Chewing on Gravel

Antioxidants

2008-11-18T12:57:00.000-08:00

No, I don't hate the word "antioxidants." What I hate is where I'm starting to see it: plastered all over every formally unhealthy food on the planet. Companies saw that there was a surge in consumption of "healthy" products, such as green tea, so now they're coming out with new "antioxidant" sodas, candies, whatever. Check the packaging: these products aren't really healthy. They're still the same old soda, candy, and big macs you've always been consuming, with a little "green tea extract" thrown in there. What little health benefit there might have been is destroyed by all the rest of the crap that makes soda soda.

Here's the thing. You want to eat healthy? Eat healthy. Drink actual green tea. You want to eat like crap? Eat like crap. Quit trying to blend the two in an effort to seem healthier, because you're failing miserably. Companies just want to make a quick buck off anyone who'll buy their new "healthy" product. Don't be duped: high fructose corn syrup is still high fructose corn syrup, and it's still the second thing in the ingredient list. Oh, and by the way? Quit drinking all that "diet" crap. Aspartame is just as bad, if not worse. You aren't doing yourself any favors by sucking down that lipton "diet green tea." What the fuck is diet green tea? Is that like green tea without the water? Try eating genuinely healthy and stop worrying about new health buzzwords like "antioxidants." Quit relying on all your favorite food corporations to start coddling your health: all they want is your money.

Drop dead gorgeous

2008-11-12T01:06:00.000-08:00

If I hear anyone use this phrase again, I will punch that person. COME UP WITH A NEW WAY TO SAY "BEAUTIFUL" OR "ERECTION STIMULANT" PLEASE.

Babbling brook

2008-11-06T20:16:00.000-08:00

More on this horrendous verbal embarrassment later.

Cultural references to Pavlov's experiment

2008-10-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

This one isn't a phrase as such, but it's something you hear a lot, in just about everything outside of psychology.

We all know the story: Pavlov had an experiment where he trained dogs to salivate merely by associating the sound of a bell with receiving food. But ever since we learned of this experiment in our high school psychology class, we've been running around saying "Pavlov's dogs!" "Pavlov's dogs!" "Just like Pavlov's dogs!" Ugh. Shut up about it already.

We all know that we're inclined to start responding to stimuli merely by associating it with something else, alright? If you start eating dinner at 5pm every day, a week or so later you'll start feeling hungry at 5pm. BIG DEAL. Quit referencing Pavlov's experiment as though you're so clever for knowing about some "obscure" psychology experiment.

If you find yourself starting to make a reference to Pavlov or Pavlov's dogs or how we're all like salivating dogs who associate bells with getting food, and you're not an actual psychologist referencing the actual experiment for scientific purposes, please, stop. Stop right where you are and just assume we know what you're thinking.

"Ooey gooey"

2008-10-14T18:35:00.000-07:00

Not only do you see these words often, but businesses (restaurants, generally) seem to compete with each other to see who can come up with the most "clever" names of their products using the phrase "ooey gooey." This falls into my "baby talk that never matured" category of phrases, meaning that no one over the age of three should say these words, ever. These are words one might use to their infant, which makes them all the more ridiculous when said to us by advertisers. Not only does it sound completely infantile and stupid, it also sounds disgusting.

Onomatopoeias. Ugh. I hate them. "Ooey" is a disgusting word that's supposed to sound like syrupy liquid oozing over something. It even sounds like "ooze," which is what I assume an "ooey gooey" thing is supposed to be doing. All I think of when I hear the phrase "ooey gooey" is semen, dribbling saliva, blood, and other bodily emissions. Such things do not sound appetizing when trying to order dessert.

Bottom line: You are not clever by describing or naming your dessert with "ooey gooey" in there somewhere. It's disgusting and stupid sounding, and reminds me every time I see it that advertisers think we're morons. The assumption is, once again, that we are just like children when it comes to products: we'll buy anything as long as it has pretty colors or reminds us of bodily functions.

Calling all X!

2008-08-22T16:08:00.001-07:00

"Calling all babysitters!" "Calling all technophiles!"

I really didn't know how to approach this one, because my hatred of this phrase is really more a personal hatred than the fact that I find the phrase inherently stupid. The reason I decided I needed to mention it was because it fit the other major category of all things listed here; namely, that it is used all the time in just about every situation.

Once again, instead of thinking of a creative way to say "I'd like to call the attention of all people of this particular group," people/advertisements/whatever all use this cliche instead. "Calling all murderers! There's a sale in obliteration techniques today at my business! Hurry now for your chance to end human stupidity!" I wish.

How about obliterating the use of this tired cliche?

Abbreviated words

2008-07-02T23:37:00.000-07:00

This post isn't targeting a specific phrase, but rather a whole slew of shortened words that got that way because of their use in popular culture, and also because whoever was promoting the ideas thought that the shortened version of whatever it was would be clever and bite-sized, thereby making the product more memorable. Without further ado, here they are, along with why I hate them so:

Celeb: This whole celebrity culture has got to stop. But since it won't, the least we can do is keep our dignity in tact, which we fail to do when we use the word "celeb." You see this word in magazines targeted towards them, but what's worse is that people in real life use this term as well. Can't you just spell/say the whole word? Is it really that much cooler to have this stupid shortened thing? I must admit, though, that given my disgust towards this culture, I might be just a little biased.

Carb: This one started when the word "carbohydrate" came into social awareness due to yet another fad diet. But, because "carbohydrate" had too many syllables and was not at all catchy, it got shortened down to the four-letter buzz word we all know and love (or hate). What infuriates me most about the word is that it is synonymous with the Atkins diet. When the diet first came out, you heard stories of restaurants and food producers going overboard to accommodate a country full of people who were now afraid of bread and pasta; that is, until some of them started dying off from high cholesterol. (Any diet that promotes red meat and butter but tells you to avoid certain fruits has already raised my red flags.) It got so bad that restaurants started serving hamburgers without buns (among other ridiculous changes), and all because of one famous idea packaged in a four letter word. You know what else has four letters? Fear.

Germs: "Germ" also has four letters, and all four of them are made to speak to you on the level of fear, but in a convenient, family-friendly package. The word "germ/germs" always reminds me of commercial moms wiping down counters with Lysol, because...oh wait, that's who it's marketed by! "Bacteria," as you know, is much too complex for today's busy and dumbed down populace, so let's shorten it to "germs" instead! I actually think "germs" makes them sound kind of cute. Yes, it speaks to you about something you should be afraid of, but it does so in a smiling happy bunny suit. "Germs, kids! Watch out for them germy-germs!" (Actually...that's kind of creepy.)

Veggies: This one is just a personal pet peeve. I don't think it's corporate so much as colloquial, but it bugs the shit out of me. Vegetables. What, is "veggie" supposed to be cute? It sounds like something developed to make the word easier for a child to say, and unfortunately, as everyone grew, the term didn't die out. It's cutesy and immature sounding, and it bugs me.

Bod: I hate this one mostly because it's a shortening of a four letter word. That's right, one letter is shaved off this term to make it clever and cool. "I want to get a tan, but I don't want my bod to get burned. What can I do?" Ugh. The word is body, use it. Don't sound like a moron if you don't have to.

More to come, I promise. Look for part two someday.

"Tells all"

2008-07-02T23:31:00.000-07:00

"Naked celebrity tells all!" "So-and-so-with-a-baby tells all!"

I don't even know what to say about this one. It's been cropping up in my consciousness lately, and suddenly everything from "celeb" magazines to advertisements for dubious jobs are using this phrase. This one comes down to general annoyance at the fact that this phrase is used in place of real thought, and instead of finding a different way to say "talks about the issue," we rely on yet another over-used celebrity cult word. On top of that, it just sounds stupid. Does anyone in real life talk like that? God, I hope not.

"Wedded bliss"

2008-06-30T13:53:00.000-07:00

This one might not be so bad if it weren't for two factors:

1. It seems to be the ONLY phrase articles, advertisements, and people use in regards to marital happiness, and

2. It contains the word "bliss."

"Bliss" has become one of those cutesy catch-all phrases used to mean "extreme, if not perfect happiness." Seeing as how no one can actually attain perfect happiness, this word is used instead in situations where someone might be generally happy or content. A cat in the process of purring might be said to be in bliss, or a baby sleeping might be thought of as in a sleepy bliss. The kinds of people who use this word to describe everyday events are also much of what gives this word a bad name. It fails to describe anything specific or meaningful and has just become a convenient way of saying "this person seems really happy/content/peaceful." But while doing so, it has that obnoxious, sugary-cutesy feel to it that marks all bad corporate phrases. Bottom line: don't use the word "bliss" around me. In fact, don't use the word "bliss" at all.

Moving on: seeing the word bliss in the ever-popular phrase "wedded bliss" infuriates me even more. Seriously, is that the only way you could possibly say "marital happiness"? Is it? Is there no other combination of words in the English language that could possibly express the very same sentiment? No? Oh, I'm sorry. Let's just stick with "wedded bliss" then. This is the kind of phrase that depicts exactly what all corporate phrases are trying to do--take a concept or an experience and package it neatly into a cutesy little catch phrase, so that as soon as we say a magical combination of words, we can send the listener right into the actual experience. So, when we hear the words "wedded bliss," suddenly our marriage will become perfect happiness, right? Suddenly my bed will become filled with roses, and my spouse will be lying there half undressed with a plate of sushi! Bliss! Uh...no. Instead, what happens is supreme annoyance. Marriages are too complex to be described with one adjective, and trying to do so is cheapening the whole thing. Even the happiest of marriages have their share of colorful emotions (I would hope so, because it's a dull broken marriage which lacks them), so using the cliche "wedded bliss" to express that you think doing X will lead to it (or you hope your newlywed friends find it, the list goes on) is communicating not that you wish them happiness, but that you don't know what marriage actually is. "Wedded bliss" is not the ultimate goal of marriage. Fulfillment and growth towards Love is.

That said: if I see the phrase "wedded bliss" ONE MORE TIME in a media/corporate setting, I will officially light myself on fire.

Not really, I mean...I'd already be burnt to death by now.

"Sipping lattes"

2008-05-14T16:13:00.000-07:00

I should start off by saying that I hate any word that's meant to emulate the sound of water doing anything, from "babbling" to that "sppppth" sound you make when you're drinking a latte that now comes conveniently packaged in this obnoxious phrase. I drink a lot of coffee and spend a lot of time in coffee shops, but even so this phrase makes me cringe. In addition to being ridiculously annoying, it also has an air of pretentiousness. The people who are the type to sip lattes are the same people you'd expect to be doing any number of things classified as being "psuedo-intellectual," or perhaps psuedo-cultural. The phrase speaks not to the general coffee drinking public (given that nearly everyone drinks coffee, tea, or some variant), but to a newly created demographic: the snazzy business woman with "innovative new ideas," the soon-to-graduate business major, and the people in suits with laptops reading the morning paper. You get certain types of people who like to flock to coffee shops, granted. (I being one of them.) I'm not complaining about coffee shop crowds in general, but the bullshit suave sounding phrase they use to identify us: those who "sip lattes." I hate the word sip. It's awful. And the notion that everyone who goes to a coffee shop to "sip lattes" instead of chug coffee or drink tea lends itself to exactly the kind of "demographic" I'm referring to. Whatever happened to the word "drink"? Isn't that what we're doing? Isn't that good enough? But no, you're right. It sounds so much more philosophical with a tacky onomatopoeia attached to a four dollar drink.

"Indulge"

2008-02-01T16:07:00.000-08:00

"Indulge yourself."

"Indullllllllllllllllgggggggggeeeeeeee."

This has to be the one command I receive from corporate feel-good messages that I hate the most. It's always said when a company wants you to indulge yourself in some new tantalizing product, like grape flavored apples. "Indulge in some McDonald's brand coffee, now with better flavor!" Whenever I read it, I always imagine it being drawn out and deep, like someone's having an orgasm while they're saying it. (Like shampoo commercials? "Yes! Yes! I'm indulllllllgggggggging in Great Value strawberry scented shampoo!") It's a great word that conveys several things at once: spoil your overworked and lifeless self with some new fancy frozen dessert product, and continue the chain of consumerism that's holding you where you are in life! Brilliant! It's self perpetuating! And extremely annoying.

Don't tell me to indulge myself, Corporate America. But then, given that the whole idea is to make me feel good by buying your products --Yay, a special treat for working 60 hours this week!-- I suppose it makes sense. I really am indulging myself by being a wage slave, aren't I?

And, you know, the real irony in this situation is all the corporations involved in my being able to post this.

"Feel-good"

2008-01-30T21:26:00.000-08:00

"Oxytocin, the feel-good chemical."

"This is an emotional, feel-good movie."

Feel-good. As in, "Golly, this sure makes me feel good." Instead of stating that something will make you feel good, they've turned this into a convenient catch phrase. If it produces positive emotions, we can just use this cutesy phrase to communicate the idea! It should be said about me that I hate excessive sentiment, and this phrase reeks of it. It feels good? What? This phrase makes me want to shoot something.

Essentially what bothers me the most about it is the idea that things can and should be dumbed down. There's something inherently stupid sounding about "feel-good" that "positive emotion inducing" just doesn't have. It's simple and describes, in childish language, exactly what the chemical/movie/whatever should be doing: making you feel good, like a lollypop at the doctor's office. It also seems to force the emotion on you: when something is labeled "feel-good," doesn't that suggest how you ought to regard it? You mean I can't just go to a movie and make my own decision on how I feel about it? It's usually a warning of sappy sentiment to come (some people like that sort of thing, I guess), but anything that forces emotion on me is best avoided. In regards to chemicals, am I really so dumb that you need to tell me its function as though I were three? "Point to where it hurts!" This goes beyond "layman's terms." It's just plain insulting.

You know what would make me "feel-good"? If you public writers would quit dumbing down the population with your obnoxious phrases.

Obligatory intro

2008-01-30T21:12:00.000-08:00

Ever hear a word or phrase that gives you contempt for humanity? So have I. In fact, there are so many of these little "gems" that I decided to start a rant blog dedicated to words and phrases that should eliminated in the most violent way possible.

Chewing on Gravel: because reading shitty words and catch phrases is like masticating asphalt.