Antioxidants

No, I don't hate the word "antioxidants." What I hate is where I'm starting to see it: plastered all over every formally unhealthy food on the planet. Companies saw that there was a surge in consumption of "healthy" products, such as green tea, so now they're coming out with new "antioxidant" sodas, candies, whatever. Check the packaging: these products aren't really healthy. They're still the same old soda, candy, and big macs you've always been consuming, with a little "green tea extract" thrown in there. What little health benefit there might have been is destroyed by all the rest of the crap that makes soda soda.

Here's the thing. You want to eat healthy? Eat healthy. Drink actual green tea. You want to eat like crap? Eat like crap. Quit trying to blend the two in an effort to seem healthier, because you're failing miserably. Companies just want to make a quick buck off anyone who'll buy their new "healthy" product. Don't be duped: high fructose corn syrup is still high fructose corn syrup, and it's still the second thing in the ingredient list. Oh, and by the way? Quit drinking all that "diet" crap. Aspartame is just as bad, if not worse. You aren't doing yourself any favors by sucking down that lipton "diet green tea." What the fuck is diet green tea? Is that like green tea without the water? Try eating genuinely healthy and stop worrying about new health buzzwords like "antioxidants." Quit relying on all your favorite food corporations to start coddling your health: all they want is your money.

Drop dead gorgeous

If I hear anyone use this phrase again, I will punch that person. COME UP WITH A NEW WAY TO SAY "BEAUTIFUL" OR "ERECTION STIMULANT" PLEASE.

Babbling brook

More on this horrendous verbal embarrassment later.

Cultural references to Pavlov's experiment

This one isn't a phrase as such, but it's something you hear a lot, in just about everything outside of psychology.

We all know the story: Pavlov had an experiment where he trained dogs to salivate merely by associating the sound of a bell with receiving food. But ever since we learned of this experiment in our high school psychology class, we've been running around saying "Pavlov's dogs!" "Pavlov's dogs!" "Just like Pavlov's dogs!" Ugh. Shut up about it already.

We all know that we're inclined to start responding to stimuli merely by associating it with something else, alright? If you start eating dinner at 5pm every day, a week or so later you'll start feeling hungry at 5pm. BIG DEAL. Quit referencing Pavlov's experiment as though you're so clever for knowing about some "obscure" psychology experiment.

If you find yourself starting to make a reference to Pavlov or Pavlov's dogs or how we're all like salivating dogs who associate bells with getting food, and you're not an actual psychologist referencing the actual experiment for scientific purposes, please, stop. Stop right where you are and just assume we know what you're thinking.

"Ooey gooey"

Not only do you see these words often, but businesses (restaurants, generally) seem to compete with each other to see who can come up with the most "clever" names of their products using the phrase "ooey gooey." This falls into my "baby talk that never matured" category of phrases, meaning that no one over the age of three should say these words, ever. These are words one might use to their infant, which makes them all the more ridiculous when said to us by advertisers. Not only does it sound completely infantile and stupid, it also sounds disgusting.

Onomatopoeias. Ugh. I hate them. "Ooey" is a disgusting word that's supposed to sound like syrupy liquid oozing over something. It even sounds like "ooze," which is what I assume an "ooey gooey" thing is supposed to be doing. All I think of when I hear the phrase "ooey gooey" is semen, dribbling saliva, blood, and other bodily emissions. Such things do not sound appetizing when trying to order dessert.

Bottom line: You are not clever by describing or naming your dessert with "ooey gooey" in there somewhere. It's disgusting and stupid sounding, and reminds me every time I see it that advertisers think we're morons. The assumption is, once again, that we are just like children when it comes to products: we'll buy anything as long as it has pretty colors or reminds us of bodily functions.

Calling all X!

"Calling all babysitters!" "Calling all technophiles!"

I really didn't know how to approach this one, because my hatred of this phrase is really more a personal hatred than the fact that I find the phrase inherently stupid. The reason I decided I needed to mention it was because it fit the other major category of all things listed here; namely, that it is used all the time in just about every situation.

Once again, instead of thinking of a creative way to say "I'd like to call the attention of all people of this particular group," people/advertisements/whatever all use this cliche instead. "Calling all murderers! There's a sale in obliteration techniques today at my business! Hurry now for your chance to end human stupidity!" I wish.

How about obliterating the use of this tired cliche?

Abbreviated words

This post isn't targeting a specific phrase, but rather a whole slew of shortened words that got that way because of their use in popular culture, and also because whoever was promoting the ideas thought that the shortened version of whatever it was would be clever and bite-sized, thereby making the product more memorable. Without further ado, here they are, along with why I hate them so:

Celeb: This whole celebrity culture has got to stop. But since it won't, the least we can do is keep our dignity in tact, which we fail to do when we use the word "celeb." You see this word in magazines targeted towards them, but what's worse is that people in real life use this term as well. Can't you just spell/say the whole word? Is it really that much cooler to have this stupid shortened thing? I must admit, though, that given my disgust towards this culture, I might be just a little biased.

Carb: This one started when the word "carbohydrate" came into social awareness due to yet another fad diet. But, because "carbohydrate" had too many syllables and was not at all catchy, it got shortened down to the four-letter buzz word we all know and love (or hate). What infuriates me most about the word is that it is synonymous with the Atkins diet. When the diet first came out, you heard stories of restaurants and food producers going overboard to accommodate a country full of people who were now afraid of bread and pasta; that is, until some of them started dying off from high cholesterol. (Any diet that promotes red meat and butter but tells you to avoid certain fruits has already raised my red flags.) It got so bad that restaurants started serving hamburgers without buns (among other ridiculous changes), and all because of one famous idea packaged in a four letter word. You know what else has four letters? Fear.

Germs: "Germ" also has four letters, and all four of them are made to speak to you on the level of fear, but in a convenient, family-friendly package. The word "germ/germs" always reminds me of commercial moms wiping down counters with Lysol, because...oh wait, that's who it's marketed by! "Bacteria," as you know, is much too complex for today's busy and dumbed down populace, so let's shorten it to "germs" instead! I actually think "germs" makes them sound kind of cute. Yes, it speaks to you about something you should be afraid of, but it does so in a smiling happy bunny suit. "Germs, kids! Watch out for them germy-germs!" (Actually...that's kind of creepy.)

Veggies: This one is just a personal pet peeve. I don't think it's corporate so much as colloquial, but it bugs the shit out of me. Vegetables. What, is "veggie" supposed to be cute? It sounds like something developed to make the word easier for a child to say, and unfortunately, as everyone grew, the term didn't die out. It's cutesy and immature sounding, and it bugs me.

Bod: I hate this one mostly because it's a shortening of a four letter word. That's right, one letter is shaved off this term to make it clever and cool. "I want to get a tan, but I don't want my bod to get burned. What can I do?" Ugh. The word is body, use it. Don't sound like a moron if you don't have to.

More to come, I promise. Look for part two someday.